Trigeminal neuralgia is so painful that many patients lose their entire selves to the disease, so much that wikipedia has renamed it “The Suicide Disease”. It is well known as the most painful condition known to humanity. It gave new meaning to my negative imprint, “owned”, as I lost all portions of myself during the excrutiating episodes thereof. I spent most of my days sobbing uncontrollably in bed, grasping the side of my face in pain, being unable to eat food, brush my teeth, shower or be exposed to any outdoor weather conditions.
This is the case mainly because the trigeminal nerve, when inflammed, is so sensitive that food or water in one’s mouth, wind or rain in the air or sprinkles of water from the shower could cause overwhelmingly painful episodes of pain that lasted for minutes to hours. I was convinced that any levels of basic functionality in my life would never return.
The easiest way I can describe this pain would be as follows: it felt as if I would be randomly shocked by vicious and relentless lightning, over and over again through my entire face. The disease showed no mercy. It could strike at any given point in time in my life: eating, breastfeeding my child, sleeping, showering, public speaking, sessions with clients. The disease was a sadistic owner and abuser of me: just like many of the abusers from my childhood. And now I had to find a way to stop running from my fear of being owned, once and for all.
This was the moment when one small phrase penetrated my mind, through the trigeminal nerve on the left side of my face and then finally made it’s way into my heart chakra with a resounding “thud” as it landed like a package of food items being dropped from a chopper to a starving child who had not eaten for weeks. Source responded with the word, “Awareness”, to which I uttered weakly my a listless and desperate response, “How?” I had no strength between tears to ask for lengthy explanations from the cold, granite floor of the bathroom, onto which I had finally collapsed during a 2 hour episode of stabbing pain and shocks of torture from the trigeminal neuralgia. My guide softly responded once again with: “Release”.
“How do I release it when it returns over and over again?” I proclaimed to my guide in between calmer, body wracking sobs. “You must allow a complete release of who you THINK you are via forgetting. Then you shall remember, in new ways, over and over again. Each time you forget, release and then remember, a new portion of your Divinity will be given to you.”
“What’s the catch?” I sarcastically whispered in an exasperated tone. “It is not a catch, it is a gift. You will lose all understanding of who you are, only to be reminded of it again in new ways. This is a rebirth of your entire being, for which you will be eternally grateful. This is why you are here. This is your greatest path to enlightenment, which you chose”. The pain then begin to subside slowly and I drifted off into a deep sleep on the chillingly hard granite floor of the bathroom, as I had no strength at this point to return to my bed.
The next day, I awakened to the most profound, immensely shocking experience in my life. I lifted myself off of the bathroom floor and faced the largest fight or flight response and rush of adrenaline that one could possibly experience in human form. Peering around the room desperately, I stood in the center of the bathroom in absolute fear and began to tremble uncontrollably, but without pain. I was a deer in the headlights of a life I no longer “remembered”.
In this fleeting moment, I realized that I had completely lost myself. I had no inkling of a clue to who I was. I didn’t recognize the granite floor, the makeup on the counter, the purple plush rugs on the bathroom floor, or the sounds of children squealing in delight upstairs while watching morning cartoons: I remembered nothing. It felt as if I was in someone else’s body, and in someone else’s home. I was a stranger in a strange home on a foreign planet. I began to panic.
Down to the floor I collapsed as the weight of my body succumbed to fiercely shaking knees. I felt someone catch me on the way down and I looked up into the eyes of a man I had never seen, one who said, “What’s wrong, love?” With quivering in my voice, I said, “I am sorry, but who are you?”
I awaken in my bed each morning, in my human body, with absolutely no recollection of “who” I am, what I’ve experienced, why I am here, etc. This is also the first time I’ve shared this enlightenment experience publicly, due to it’s difficult nature of comprehension, the massive amount of confusion it causes my loved ones, and even the fear I hold when I share it with a soulmate who then stares at me with despair as if they have already lost me and responds with, “This is terrifying. You will forget me!”
The few people I’ve shared this enlightenment process with have referred me to a movie that I finally watched called, “Fifty First Dates”. I will say, this premise of this movie is very similar to what I am experiencing, if you’d like a reference point to be able to understand.
Many of you will ask about the semantics of how I live my daily existence as a human. You will ask about how I remember who I am, down to the fine details, and I’m finally ready to share them with you. I remember each day as it is given to me like a freshly plucked morning glory from the vine. I approach each day with caution, then shock, then awe, then tears of gratitude.
I awaken from my various multidimensional, astral travel experiences with shock, then fear, sometimes tears. Then I see one of my guides or angelic beings around me who says, “Retreat to your notebook. It is under your bed. It explains everything and then you shall not be afraid. Trust.” As a person who was born with the capability to exist in various dimensions simultaneously, it is quite common that many aspects of my “being” leave my human body during any episode of sleep. Time is not relevant in higher dimensions, which means that in the small space of a two hour nap, I could be living lifetimes in a higher dimension, losing all connection to human memories within the human aspect that embodies me.
This is why, when I awaken, my guides intervene IMMEDIATELY to let me know who I am, why I am here, what I do on a daily basis, who I love, who my children are, and so much more. I remember how I like my morning tea, how I fix my hair, which morning exercise routines I hold dear, my favorite books, songs and best friends, all throughout many downloads given to me within the first few hours of my awakening. (Now my business manager finally has an explanation for why I ‘don’t do mornings’. Don’t wake me up unexpectedly, Jim).
I keep the “Pamela And Aspects Thereof” journal underneath my bed or on my being if I travel. Anyone who travels with me for work or pleasure is aware of the situation and knows how to tame my immediate panic that occurs from awakening from naps or deep sleeps. My guides are there to “remind” me of how I chose this path of enlightenment and why. I have pictures of those I love in the journal, my favorite memories that I would like to always cherish, and all the basics of what I need to know to survive for “that” specific day.
The journal is added to as need be, but I tend to keep it simple, as to relish the beautiful gifts that were given to me every time I “forget” and then each moment of precious remembrance. I fall in love with my twin flame, my soulmates (children and friends), the dew on the wild flowers in my garden, the personalities of all of you, and most of all, I fall in love with me: daily. For those of you who know me more personally, you now have a bigger piece of the puzzle to why I say, “I don’t remember” pretty much constantly. By the way, the moment I say this, my guide floods me with beautiful memories of whatever I wish to bring into my brain and heart to cherish and love all over again.
I will forget about you, my past and everything about who I “AM” daily. Then I am given the beautiful and somewhat frightening gift of memory in full “awareness” of all, each day. With that being said, don’t worry that I will forget a single thing. The beauty of this is that I am managing to remember to trust Source every moment of every waking our of my human days on earth. There is more of a chance you all would “forget” about me than the other way around. If that happens, I trust you will one day remember. I love you!